Remember yesterday when I drew a parallel between the return of anxiety and getting a letter from an ex? Well that went over so well (in my own mind) that I thought I would stay on this roll with another little break-up parable designed to teach a recovery lesson. Let’s see if I can pull this off, shall we?
You know that thing where you have to end a relationship, but you also don’t want to end the relationship because you are afraid to be alone and will really miss your partner even though they are making your life miserable on the daily? Oh you know about that? Great. Join the club.
In this situation a common move for many people is to end the relationship, but to also try to do the “let’s be friends” thing. Don’t even lie. You know you’ve done this. You break romantic ties and separate from each other, but you do your best to soften the blow and take the sharp edges off the feelings by being “friends” for some amount of time. Great plan, right? You’re free of all the headaches, free to move on and find something new, but also not totally alone and you don’t have to worry about dealing with all those pesky break up feelings and the discomfort that comes with them. This is a genius idea!
Then … it isn’t. You were so sure that you could just be friends. Buddies. Besties. All the good stuff that soothes you and makes you feel better in the moment, but something isn’t right. Bad things keep happening. You’re still sleeping together sometimes because … well … because. You’re still sharing things on an emotionally intimate level. You’re still running to each other with every little life event because … support, right? But next thing you know, you’re pretty much right back where you were before the alleged break-up. Nothing has really changed. No progress is being made. You’re scratching your head and wondering how this amazing plan that combined the best of all worlds has failed you. Why are you still stuck in this thing that you do not want to be in any more?
Sometimes when we decide that we want to recover, and we resign ourselves to the fact that we must go toward fear and discomfort to do that, we also try to hang on to our old strategies and familiar responses and reactions to anxiety. Does this sound familiar to you?
“I’m ready now! Bring on the exposures! New relationship with anxiety! Recovery is possible! But it feels kinda scary to leave all my safety and soothing rituals behind so I’ll do both. I’ll do the scary stuff and still have my old go-to rituals handy to take the edge off and keep me comfortable. What’s the harm in that? Best of all worlds!”
Except that 6 weeks later you are wondering why things are not getting any better. You’re still anxious, still afraid of every exposure like it’s the first time, and still doing your best to smash your anxiety over the head with a bottle of lavender oil because you need to “calm down”. And you can’t find any progress, even though you’re “doing the things”.
Sometimes, when we try to soften the blow and remain friends with an ex, we find ourselves wondering how we’re at the same bar having the same argument and complaining about the same issues that we always have.
Break-ups hurt. Missing someone you love hurts. It’s hard work to do something so uncomfortable because you know it’s the right thing for you to do.
So we bend the rules to make things easier and more comfortable. But that rarely works out.
Life is hard, isn’t it?
123. Maybe We Can Still Be Friends