Many many anxious people that have NO intention or desire to harm themselves wind up terrified that they might do that anyway, against their will. This is a more common fear than you think so I want to talk more about it. I’ll start by relaying my own experience.
First, I have to remind you that this edition of The Anxious Morning is not meant to be a crisis management tool or a substitute for therapy. As always, if you feel that you are an immediate danger to yourself or anyone else, you MUST reach out for in-person help right away. We all care about you and want you to remain safe above all else.
When I was going through the worst of panic disorder, agoraphobia, a barrage of irrational repetitive thoughts, and depression, I am thankful that I never even once reached the point where I considered harming myself for taking my own life. However, I did become irrationally terrified of the thought that I might somehow do that anyway, against my wishes and against my will.
I had no plan. I had no intention. I did not want to hurt myself or kill myself. Yet, I was terrified to be alone because being alone would make it easier for me to do exactly that … even though I didn’t want to do that. I was gripped with the fear that I would have a thought, then somehow follow through on it, and nobody would be around to stop me or save me from myself. This also meant that I was terrified to be alone with my then small children because I was terrified that I might somehow hurt myself in front of them, or even hurt them.
I was afraid of the knives in the kitchen.
I was afraid of the scissors in the house.
I was afraid of all the electrical outlets.
I even spent time in every bathroom in the house checking to see if I could somehow reach from the bathtub to the light fixtures above the sinks. Not because I wanted to hurt myself or commit suicide. But because I was afraid that I might try to do it anyway and needed to protect against that happening.
I always had a bottle of Xanax nearby as a panic rescue device. I refused to take any of it because I am stubborn and do not like medication (MY issue, not a judgement on anyone else), but it was there. You know how this works. At one point I asked to have that bottle of pills hidden from me because I was afraid that I might suddenly decide to take the whole bottle at once. I went through every cabinet in the house, and tore the pantry apart covertly bit-by-bit and item-by-item to make sure there was nothing in the house that could potentially become a weapon that I would use against myself - against my will.
Twice I left my house in a frantic state and drove pretty recklessly to the hospital nearest my home to sit in the parking lot outside the emergency room “just in case” I needed to run in and have them stop me from killing myself — a thing I had absolutely ZERO desire to do. Mind you, that hospital was well outside my driving comfort zone at the time but the irrational fear of snapping and deciding to harm myself, and the desire to be saved from that irrational fear, was strong enough to override the fear of driving too far from home. One day I’ll write about that in relation to agoraphobia because there’s a lesson in there, but it will have to wait.
Some of what I am describing here may be familiar to you. This is more common in our community than you think. I understand just how terrifying this fear can be and how disturbing thoughts about suicide can be. I totally get the strong desire to immediately save yourself from them and protect against this horrible thing happening … because you do NOT want it to happen but are afraid that it might anyway.
Please know that in this situation, where you have no intention, desire, or plan to harm yourself but are afraid that you might do it anyway, you are safe. You are not so anxious or afraid that you will somehow lose control of yourself and impulsively take your own life, even though the thought of that is so terrifying that by itself you are afraid it will break you and compel you to do it. I used to think that too. Many people think that. You are not alone in this and even when your anxiety is telling you that you are worse than the rest of us and that in your case it might actually happen, it is wrong.
In early July of 2022, episode 215 of The Anxious Truth podcast will cover this common fear in greater detail, so stay tuned for that. Tomorrow in edition 115 of The Anxious Morning, I’ll talk about how I overcame this fear and how it ultimately faded away on me.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
114. That Time I Was Afraid I Might Accidentally Commit Suicide