It’s the end of June, which means it’s time for a guest post on The Anxious Morning. This month I’m thrilled that my friend and frequent collaborator Lauren Rosen has agreed to contribute to our little project with some words of wisdom about the fear of judgement.
In the context of OCD and Anxiety Disorders, fears related to other’s judgment come up a lot. Whether it’s fear of making yourself vulnerable and having your symptoms judged, or the central fear of judgment in Social Anxiety Disorder, this particular concern about judgment can really grab ahold of us. And, of course it can! No one likes to be judged. We evolved as a social species who depended on our tribes for survival. We’re programmed to want other’s approval.
That being said, this fear of judgment is something that we can learn to navigate differently.
Here are a few ways to develop a different relationship to fears about judgment.
1. Watch out for mind-reading and related rumination.
First off, it’s VERY important to remember that no one reads minds. We may be able to name many instances when we correctly predicted what someone was thinking. We also tend to forget the instances in which we were incorrect, which makes us unreliable at determining our own abilities in this department.
Just because you have been right when it comes to guessing another’s thoughts does not mean that you will always be or have always been right. If you take thoughts about how you “know” what another person is thinking seriously, you’re likely to start spinning whole tales related to how they don’t like you or how you’re doing “it” wrong (whatever “it” may be). This mental
churning will detract from your life and likely make you feel a whole lot worse. Using mindfulness techniques, we can non-judgmentally notice our mind-reading thoughts, perpetually disengage from rumination and come back to the present moment.
2. Not everyone’s opinion deserves equal weight
Ever notice how someone you barely know can say something horrific about you and that sticks with you for days? Or how someone who you love and admire can say something complimentary that you immediately discount? It’s so backwards! We are unwise to assign equal weight to everyone’s opinion. Different people have different values. If you’re focused on being kind, and someone who doesn’t prioritize kindness deems you as lacking, it probably
doesn’t make sense to give that person’s opinion about the quality of your character much importance.
3. Your opinion is the one that counts most, even if you don’t “feel” like this is true.
First, we often conflate thinking for feeling. “I don’t feel like that’s true” is really a thought in disguise – “What if that’s not true?” – and a feeling – probably anxiety. Understanding this helps us to accept emotions and the presence of thoughts without buying into misleading narratives about how what “feels” untrue must be untrue.
Another quick side note: if we’re basing our well-being on the presence or absence of feelings, we’re in a precarious spot. The work in recovery is down to accepting the presence of feelings and becoming more adept at navigating them. So, if you have thoughts of self-doubt or feel anxious as a result of your thoughts, you can accept the presence of these thoughts and feelings.
What matters most is how you believe you are doing when you consider your actions against your values – i.e., the qualities that reflect the kind of person you want to be. We can infuse our behaviors with these qualities regardless of circumstances. If we recognize that we did our best to show up in a way that’s consistent with our values, we’re likely to breed a sense of long-term contentment that is resilient to the highs and lows of momentary emotional experiences. We may even notice that we feel proud of ourselves. This is far more precious than gaining the approval of everyone else, which, incidentally, is not possible.
4. Be thoughtful in who you choose to be vulnerable with
Just like everyone’s opinions aren’t equally important, so everyone is not equally safe to share your most vulnerable sides with. Trust is earned. Of course, there are no guarantees, but taking pause and considering a person’s history before you share tender things with them is likely to prevent just anyone’s judgment from showing up, announced. Still, people may judge and judge blatantly even when you’re not opening yourself up. And sometimes, you will be thoughtful and still get judged. But if we go back to values, the sting we might feel is likely to come and go as unfettered feelings tend to do.
Lauren Rosen, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in the states of California, Florida, and Utah. Lauren is well known in the mental health community on Instagram as @theobsessivemind, and has recently opened The Center For The Obsessive Mind where she specializes in treating OCD and other anxiety disorders. Find Lauren on her website at theobsessivemind.com.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
129. Fear Of Judgement (w/Lauren Rosen, LMFT)