This is a question I get all the time.
“I KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT THIS, BUT HOW CAN I NOT CARE ABOUT IT WHEN IT FEELS SO POWERFUL AND STRONG????”
The question is usually asked while in a desperate state of discomfort. It’s laced with fear and frustration, and also rooted in a HUGE misinterpretation of what the recovery process looks like.
Print this out and stick it to your fridge because it’s important:
YOU WILL CARE ABOUT IT. NOBODY TOLD YOU TO NOT CARE.
Didn’t expect me to say that, did you? You’ve heard me talk about the fact that we cannot decide to not think things. This is 100% true. We do not have a magic way to stop certain thoughts from happening. The same holds true for emotions. There is no magic tip or technique that makes you “not care” about being afraid, unsure, or uncomfortable. It doesn’t exist. You WILL care. That’s OK. That’s human and natural.
I am never telling you to simply not care. I am telling you that even though you do care, you do not have to continue to act on that. There’s a difference between being emotionally invested in how you feel (caring) and treating how you feel like an emergency as your default coping and navigation strategy.
I so often return to the notion that more than one thing can be true at the same time. To whit:
I can be terrified of my heartbeat but also not tell people that I’m afraid so they can save me if need be.
I can be afraid that I will slip away from reality or go insane and also refrain from taking protective measures that I know logically have never protected me.
I can think that I might never get better and also take steps toward getting better while I think that.
In all three of these cases, I absolutely WILL care about how I feel and what I’m thinking. It would be impossible for me to not care. My brain (and yours) do not work that way. But while I am caring, I can choose to not allow that state to dictate all my actions and choices. I can make choices and do things that contradict my state of caring. Brains are super annoying because they will care, but also super awesome because they can decide to act in opposition to that state.
Here’s where things get a bit … uhm … “cheeky”. When we make a habit of acting in opposition to our caring, when we stop treating that state as an emergency that demands protective or evasive action, over time something happens. Guess what that something is?
We stop caring so much. But that happens gradually over time and with experience. So while the entire first 75% of this article is about how you WILL care, in the end we return to the concept of not caring, just in a different and more realistic light.
Nobody is telling you to not care. We’re only telling you how to learn how to care less. See the difference? Go head and care. That’s allowed. It just doesn’t have to be the primary driver of every move you make.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
169. How Can I NOT CARE About Anxiety???