Doing hard things is … well … hard. There are a few things that can make this even harder than it already is. One of those things is low self-esteem or a negative self-image.
When we are struggling in recovery, we can often feel like we are failing. This is common. It happens to all of us. But note the difference between seeing yourself as failing, and seeing yourself as a failure. This is an important difference.
When you’re hoping to change things, be less afraid, and feel better, then you don’t, it’s normal to feel like you are failing in some way. When that happens, we can fall back on the principles of recovery and circle back to reminders about what our goals are and what the process really looks like. That doesn’t make things easier, but it does help to re-frame that “failing” narrative and can help us let ourselves off the hook. We can see that we’re needlessly beating ourselves up, and do our best to adjust accordingly. This is not a magic wand that instantly wipes away the perception of having failed, but it helps to move us in a more productive direction little by little.
But when you see yourself as a failure, things get more complicated. Failing is something you do. Calling yourself a failure is a reflection of who you think you are. When you believe yourself to be a failure, that reminder of the principles of recovery can be damn near useless. If you see yourself as someone that isn’t capable, it doesn’t matter how often I clarify goals and techniques. If you harbor a negative self-image that tells you that you just can’t complete the task at hand due to core defects of some kind, then there is a chance that there is more than just floating, accepting, and surrendering to be done.
Sometimes I feel the need to clarify that. If are you thinking that you failed today, you may be likely to treat that as just a thought, accept it, maybe reframe it, then change your actions accordingly. If you are feeling that you are a failure by default, that’s not “just a thought”. I mean, it is, but there are times in life where we do care about the content of thoughts and emotions. This can be one of those times.
The point of all this is to address those of you that are struggling with self-esteem and self-image issues. Not everything is a Claire Weeks float and accept problem. Not everything is an exposure problem. In fact, sometimes dragging around a set of negative beliefs can make the floating, accepting and exposing even harder than it already is, which can lead to all kinds of frustration and even harsher self-judgment.
At this point its really important for me to point out that if you are listening to me, reading my words, or participating in the discussion around the content I produce, and it is making you feel worse because you think I don’t understand you and are making it sound easier than it is, let me tell you that I do understand you and I know how hard this all is for everyone. I’m writing this today specifically to address this situation. I hear you. I see you. I understand, because I see this issue every day from many people. You are not alone. And if you feel worse because you can’t “get it” when I talk about recovery, know that this does not mean you are broken or less than. Just because my words aren’t working for you does not mean that no words will. If my message is not a fit, it’s OK to find things that are more applicable and helpful. I’d cheer for you while you do that.
I wish I had some magic words or fast steps to give you to change the way you see yourself. If I had a way to make you believe in yourself and trust yourself, I would certainly give it to you. But sadly, I don’t have that. That doesn’t mean you are doomed though. It just means that sometimes you have to look beyond the mechanics of an anxiety disorder to address other issues too. That’s OK. We all have multiple issues in life.
Feeling like a failure is in no way confirmation that the feeling is correct.
Hey it’s Monday and that means that today at 2 PM Eastern I’ll do my “Recovery Monday” livestream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Come join in!
183. Failing, Failure, and Self-Esteem