I love Dr. Claire Weekes. Everything I do in this arena is essentially me standing on her shoulders and the shoulders of others that came before me. But sometimes, I want to shake my fist in the air and ask her about some of the words she used.
Accept.
Float.
I know I’ve talked about this before, but now I’m gonna talk about it again because it’s important and I see people get tripped up by this concept every day.
Let’s make it as simple as we can today with a short list. For those of you reading, this will be easier to digest. If you’re listening to this as a podcast episode, apologies for the less than audio-friendly format this morning.
Things That Are NOT Accepting Or Floating:
Snapping rubber bands on your wrist.
Drinking cold water and popping mints into your mouth.
Asking for spiritual protection from anxiety or panic. (More on this below)
Screaming “NO!” at your anxiety.
Turning up the radio and singing at the top of your lungs to distract yourself.
Going to a special room or place when you get anxious.
Repeating over and over that you are OK and that it’s “just anxiety”.
Chanting about how you are a warrior that will not let anxiety win.
Calling a friend, a partner, or some other safe person to talk you down.
Gritting your teeth, tensing your body, and trying to hold on so you don’t go over some kind of anxiety cliff
Running to my podcast to listen to something that will “calm you down”
I can go on but I think you get the idea here. When you decide that you are ready to “accept” or “float”, that does not involve doing any of these things I just listed any more. You can’t accept, and also try to fight, stop, fix, squash, and escape. Those things do not go together. You will wind up frustrated and declaring that this doesn’t work for you.
Why?
Because when you do these things you are still clearly showing yourself that you can’t possibly accept or float. It’s not safe. Bad things will happen. It’s too much. You won’t be able to handle it. So you try to cope, which is not acceptance or floating. Coping is different. You can choose to cope. That’s a perfectly acceptable choice for any autonomous human to make. It’s just not what we’re talking about here.
Look, there are certainly some aspects of the “forbidden list” that I just gave you that are sometimes relevant in the proper context. Wanna be a warrior? Don’t let me stop you. But use that mindset to inform productive action, not because you think you need armor to protect you from something that you’ve never needed protecting from. Go ahead and remind yourself that it’s just anxiety. That’s a useful statement that can frame and influence the next ten minutes of your life. Use it like that, not as a mantra that you must repeat to “make it through” an anxiety spike. Do you have a strong faith or spiritual practice in your life? I support that. Maybe turn to that faith or spirituality to find the strength and encouragement to surrender and tolerate, not to protect or save you. That’s a great plan.
Why am I ranting a bit this morning about something I’ve already ranted about quite a few times? If you are getting frustrated because you’ve been trying to “accept” and “cope” at the same time so that things don’t hit the “too much” level, you are likely seeing very slow or no progress. You may see progress for a few days then feel like its instantly shattered when all that coping doesn’t work. I’m ranting because I hate to see people calling themselves broken or incapable because they’re making technical errors.
Can you just decide to stop doing all the things on that list? No. You cannot. You have to start finding all the coping things you do, then start dropping them bit by bit. Every time you drop one, you will be scared and uncertain about that. It will take more work. It will be another leap of faith. Don’t expect to just go into full-on surrender mode instantly. That takes practice and time.
That practice and time is so worth it though. At some point you will understand that you must drop ALL the resistance and feel all the things, scary though they are.
Then accepting really is accepting. Dr. Weekes used the phrase, “Utter, utter acceptance.” Maybe take a look at those two utters. They kinda make all the difference.
This week I became the last person on earth to discover Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories album from 2013. I’m not an electronic music person, but it’s really good! “Giorgio by Moroder” is my favorite track for nostalgic reasons. If you’ve never heard it, check it out.
By Daft Punk - iTunes, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=38898878
I used to share book suggestions on Tuesdays. At this point so much of my reading is textbooks that I don’t have much to share! But lately I’ve been enjoying music again so once in a while I’ll share something that really struck a chord with me (pardon the pun).
188. When Accepting Really Isn't