Sometimes, the order we do things in actually matters. Let me explain, then tie it in to the concept of self-care.
It’s 5:40 AM on a Thursday morning in mid October, 2022. I’m making peppermint tea instead of coffee this morning, just because. I tend to try to keep the lights off as much as possible first thing in the morning, so its still kinda dark. I have my AirPods in, listening to a classical music playlist because often in the morning I like either silence, or music with no words. I believe this may fall into the category of “self care” for me.
My plan this morning was to make some tea, sit and meditate for 10-15 minutes, get some cardio in, then sit to journal for a bit. Maybe 5-10 minutes. That way I get all the “Drew” stuff done before I get to work. Most of the time that’s a great morning for me. Again, this starts to look like self care.
Yet here I am, totally shattering my plan for the morning because I am not meditating. I am not drinking tea in quiet contemplation. I’m not doing my cardio workout. I’m literally standing at my kitchen counter while my tea steeps, pounding on the keys of my laptop writing this edition of The Anxious Morning. The music is still playing in my ears as I write. The counter is too low, or I am too tall, to write this way, but it won’t take me but a few minutes to get this done because I know exactly what I am going to write. It works like that some days.
Why am I doing this? Isn’t self care meditation and tea and quiet music in the early morning light? Isn’t it gentle and calm and soothing?
Evidently, not always.
For me, thoughts and ideas can sometimes be highly energetic. Rambunctious. Almost violent in the force they carry, but in the best possible way. This is part of me. Maybe it’s why I can sometimes be so prolific in the content I create with my keyboard, or a camera, or a microphone. Whatever. It’s not an achievement. We’re all different and this is the way I am sometimes. But this part of me also has to be cared for.
I had an idea of what I want to write about in my journal today. An issue I’ve been working through for a couple of weeks that feels like it’s getting a bit clearer as I do that work. Something came to me shortly after I opened my eyes and I want to play with it on (electronic) paper. Journaling that way is something I try to do every day, but I’m rarely enthusiastic about it. I do it because it works for me. Nobody loves swinging a hammer. We just do it when we need to drive nails. But this morning I am, surprisingly, somewhat enthusiastic about writing in my journal.
When something like this happens, when I am excited about an idea or eager to work on something cool, it can be difficult to sit quietly and meditate, listen to music, or read. The ideas, thoughts, energy, and enthusiasm bounce around in my head. I like it. It’s not intrusive or invasive. It’s not something I need to stop, or learn to disengage with. I say often that brains are capable of producing amazing stuff, and total crap. For me, this is the amazing stuff. In some ways, I’m happy for it because I feel like I deserve it after so many years of the total crap part.
This morning, self care looks nothing like the Internet tells you it looks. None of this is photo worthy. My hair looks like I took an egg beater to it. My beard is a mess (nobody told me that combing my face would be a thing). I’m wearing a crappy old t-shirt and sweats and lime green Crocs. I would be run off Instagram for taking pictures of this. I’m sure of it. But this is self care nonetheless.
The order in which I do things matters this morning. First, I will tend to the thoughts and ideas in my head that excite me. I will play with them. I will get them out and organize them … or not organize them. There is no desired outcome or goal here. I’ll just allow myself to think in productive ways, out loud, and through my fingers. Then, I’ll be ready to meditate, enjoy my tea, get some quiet time, and exercise before my day kicks into gear. You know. REAL self care. Instagram self care!
But wait. Before this grand new morning self-care plan unfolds, I must do something first. The order matters. First I must stand at this counter with my neck bent too much and the tea steaming next to me and write about the morning. Writing The Anxious Morning is part of work. The exact thing I do not do until I get my self care routine done. Yet here I am, working first thing in the morning, totally NOT self caring, being extremely meta, writing this post about why I’m writing this post.
THIS must be done first. Then I can do the other first stuff. Then I will be well cared for by myself. That’s a great start to my day. The order matters. Sometimes it will matter for you. Don’t let the Internet tell you what self-care is supposed to look like. Don’t hold yourself to standards that suppress your amazing brain stuff or the things that truly make you happy and feed your soul. When you need to, shake it up. Change the order. Let things play out as they play out, unplanned.
There are - often - no rules and no order to be obeyed. Life can be scary … and lovely … like that.
5:49 AM. 11 minutes and 1000 words worth of decidedly non-traditional self care. I’ll take that, and now I’ll take the soggy tea bag out of this mug.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
189. Sometimes The Order Matters