We’ve talked about the idea of being anxious about not being anxious. This is a common state along the way to recovery. In the OCD community, and in any situation where scary or unwanted thoughts trigger anxiety, there is a specific manifestation of this. It even has a name.
The back door spike.
Sounds both sneaky and ominous, doesn’t it?
It’s super sneaky!
The back door spike is what we call it you start to worry that you’re not “anxious enough” about your intrusive or unwanted thoughts.
When you have thoughts that terrify you and make you very uncomfortable, you can start to interpret that discomfort and fear as “proof” that the thoughts are not indicative of who you are, and therefore won’t come true. When you work on disengaging from those thoughts or go toward them with exposure and response prevention (ERP) work, over time those thoughts have less “bite”. They don’t scare you as much. They become less distressing and disturbing.
This is where the back door spike can make an appearance. When you notice that your disturbing thoughts are no longer disturbing, you can start to freak out because you think this means that you like the thoughts or now want to act on them. I promise, that is not the case. You do not like the thoughts. You have not somehow turned yourself into a monster that will do horrible things.
I’ll give you a common example. Let’s look at thoughts that involve harming others. What if you think about harming your grandmother, but are not automatically repulsed and terrified by that thought?
“Oh no!!!! Why am I not in a panic over this??? What kind of person is NOT repulsed by this thought??? I must actually want harm my grandmother now!!!!”
Here’s some news that you need to hear. Every human brain is capable of producing nonsense thoughts. We all have fleeting thoughts about things like driving off bridges, picking up that big knife and stabbing the person next to you, or having sex with teacher or neighbor. Every brain can, and often does, create those thoughts.
“What’s to stop me from just turning the wheel of this car and running over all those people on the sidewalk?”
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That’s a pretty common thought. The thought comes, we notice that it seems amazing that there’s nothing between us and total carnage but a small turn of a steering wheel, then we move on. The thought is essentially a commentary about contrasts and the sometimes slim line between normal and abnormal. We only define “normal” because we can define “abnormal” and we cannot define abnormal without having thoughts about it. This is the way brains work.
When you have those thoughts that you’ve hated and resisted for so long and find yourself not hating and resisting them any more, this does not mean you are a horrible person and doomed to give in to them. It just means that your work is paying off. Your brain is starting to treat those odd thoughts as more interesting than important. The thoughts are becoming curiosities, not threats. That’s how recovered people experience those thoughts. That’s how “normal” people experience them. Congratulations. You’re becoming a recovered person!
The back door spike doesn’t happen to everyone, but it’s pretty common when you sample a large population of people recovering from OCD and related anxiety disorders. If you encounter the back door spike, recognize it for what it is. Just another set of thoughts and erroneous interpretations. It’s OK to keep on disengaging with those thoughts, and subsequently the thoughts about the thoughts. ERP and recovery work do not turn people into monsters, murderers, adulterers, or pedophiles. They have not turned you into one.
You’re just not used to thinking like regular people think. Give it time. You’ll be regular too soon, and thrilled at how boring regular thinking can sometimes be, even when it’s kind of out there.
“Where does a thought go when it's forgotten?”
― Sigmund Freud
Every Friday I’ll share one of my favorite quotes. They’ll often have direct application in recovery, but sometimes they’re just generally funny, inspiring, or thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy them.
190. The Back Door Spike: I'm Not Anxious Enough!