During that winter when I did the most heavy lifting of my recovery, there were days when I just did not want to get out of bed and go do my exposures. Yes, it was really cold and snowy that winter, but really I didn’t want to get out of bed because I was afraid more on some mornings. Why? I don’t know. I just was. All I wanted to do was to listen to that fear and take a day off from doing hard things.
I didn’t, and here’s the strange thing. On the mornings where I struggled most to drag myself out of bed and out the door, I would often end those exposures feeling amazing. Those were in many cases the days where at the end of driving around and sitting/walking in mostly empty parking lots I felt like a total superhero. Seriously. It was such a charge and a boost. I felt so good for facing that fear and doing the hard thing that I didn’t want to do. I’d get home, put on some music, shower, make some breakfast, and I’d head into the work day feeling more energized and less nervous about possibly being “triggered” by some demand, stress, or whatever.
That was such a good feeling!
When you find that feeling, enjoy it. Savor it. Let it show you that you are capable of feeling strong and able and that change is possible. I remember recording myself - talking to myself - on a few of those mornings. I wanted to capture those moments so I could come back to them later when I needed to. I will admit that sometimes I tried really hard to find ways to make that badass unbreakable feeling last in an unnatural way. That didn’t ever really work out that well because I was trying to force an emotional state, but if you’re doing that, I see you and I do not blame you for trying.
Then … the thrill would slowly wear off and I would return to a more usual state of feeling and being. In the early days of recovery that “usual” state was generally on edge, feeling symptoms all day long, and being mentally on guard and scanning for any sign that I was heading toward a wave of panic or strong feelings. As I improved over time, that usual state started to include periods of neutrality or not really feeling things. The point is that the extreme positive feeling and sense of invincibility didn’t last. At some point I would start to think about the next challenge that I was facing because that’s to be expected. I’d go back to dealing with business as usual, whatever that looked like based on where I was in my progress.
My goal today is to address two things because I know they are things.
The first is that you will have to be kind to yourself and accept that your emotional states and outlook on recovery will vary. It will change, sometimes from one day to another or even one hour to another. That’s normal. You’re human. We think and feel too much by default to guarantee that we’ll feel either good or bad for any amount of time. If you have a big win, feel great, then wind up afraid again the next morning, that’s OK. That doesn’t negate the win in any way. It’s not going backwards. It’s not doing it wrong. It’s just how this works, so this is where - in my opinion - the idea of self-compassion becomes really important.
Recognizing that what you are doing is difficult and giving yourself space to feel whatever you feel without judging things harshly is important. When you start to beat yourself up, take note and do what you can to step away from that because that’s just not fair to you.
The second point I want to make - because I know at least some of you are thinking this - is that feeling excited, happy, and optimistic after a successful exposure is NOT the manic part of bipolar. Nor is returning to fear or worry the depressive part. Sometimes when over-sensitized we become so concerned with finding meaning and locating threats in our emotional state that we can fall into the trap of misinterpreting changes as automatically indicative of a problem. If you’re feeling great Monday night but find yourself a little frozen with the usual fear on Tuesday night, this is not a red flag pointing to bipolar, impending schizophrenia, or anything else like that. It’s just part of the process of thinking, feeling, and moving through the normal human changes in those processes over time.
Savor the wins, take the lessons you can take out of them, do not get dragged into the pit of despair when those feelings fade. Be patient. Change takes time and we often can’t see that change until we look back at it.
Hey it’s Monday and that means that today at 2 PM Eastern I’ll do my “Recovery Monday” livestream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch. Come join in!
215. When The Wins Don't Last That Long