I just finished reading “Chatter”, by Ethan Kross. It’s been on my reading list for months and I finally got around to it. I’m glad I did. Ethan Kross is a psychologist and researcher at the University of Michigan that focuses his work on the area of self-control and the neural systems that support that function. Chatter is a layman’s summary of some of the work he’s done in the area of internal dialogue and when it goes off the rails and veers into maladaptive and counterproductive areas.
Clearly, this is a subject that will strike a chord for many in our community.
Anyway, you’ve seen me write and talk about trying to make some space between your thoughts and your reactions so that your propensity to latch on and get dragged can be counter-balanced. There’s a bunch of discussion about “distancing” in Chatter and how that is an effective way to mitigate the negative effects of that sometimes rogue inner dialogue. But here’s the thing that Kross points out. Making distance between you and your thoughts is hard. It requires effort. If you look at it in terms of brain resources, stepping away from your inner dialogue and those anxious thoughts is expensive! This is certainly one reason why I say all the time that this is difficult and requires lots of practice.
You know what appears to make distance between thoughts and reactions, but isn’t so damn “brain expensive”? Talking about yourself in the third person. In chapter four of Chatter, Kross talks about his research into what happens when people are coached to talk about themselves in the third person when reflecting on states of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. He calls this “distanced self-talk”. The research he did showed that people that used this third person distanced self-talk experienced lower levels of distress when in anxious situations, ruminated less about anxious experiences, and were better able to objectively define the true level of threat in those experiences. Pretty cool, and likely useful in our context, right?
Kross also points to prior research that links “I-talk” (no, this is not another Apple product) to negative emotional states. People that engage in talk skewed toward frequent first person self-reference tend to wind up immersed in negative inner dialogue and negative states of being. This is also probably useful when it comes to the issues we’re talking about.
In earlier editions of The Anxious Morning, I talked about using two simple statements as ways to inform that distance making we’re interested in.
I’m thinking.
I’m feeling.
My assertion is that if you make those statements - and JUST those statements - without elaborating on the content of what you’re thinking or feeling, you can start to make distance between the thought or the feeling, and what you otherwise think is an automatic downward spiral. If Ethan Kross and his colleagues are onto something (and I tend to think they are), then as silly as it might sound, more effective statements might be:
Jane is thinking.
Robert is feeling.
You guys might know that I’m a big fan of the old “Seinfeld” TV series. One of my favorite running gags was seeing George refer to himself in the third person whenever he was upset or under stress. “GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET!” never fails to make me laugh. Just like George can teach us to do the opposite, maybe he was also accidentally teaching us that talking in this unusual way is a good idea. Maybe George did that to help navigate through emotional and experiential difficulties. Who knew George (really, Larry David) was so well versed in anxiety recovery?
Anyway, you know that I’m never about “anxiety hacks”, so please do not take this as some kind of magic bullet that will make you feel better and banish your anxiety. It’s not that at all. But it is an interesting concept that appears to have research support behind it. Read Chatter if you want to know more.
Maybe try changing some of your self-talk to see what happens. Rather than always using the “I” reference, talk about your situation like you are talking about someone else. Use that third person distanced self talk. It certainly doesn’t appear to have any downside other than maybe sounding funny or being awkward. I suppose that if your struggle is with depersonalization or existential/reality concepts, talking this way could make the situation more challenging (but not more dangerous) so take that into account.
I know that when I am in a bind or facing a challenge, I often default to third person distanced self-talk. I just didn’t know I was doing that.
“C’mon man. You know what to do here.”
“OK Drew, get to it.”
Oh man. Maybe I’m George and I didn’t even know it. That’s a mildly disturbing thought.
“DREW IS GETTING UPSET!”
I’ll see you on Thursday. ;-)
216. Hearing Your Own Name