Even for a fully recovered person, there can be challenges.
I would say that I experience stress far more than anxiety in my life. That’s probably accurate. But last night stress and anxiety - and my inner right ear - totally got together and jumped me in a dark alley. Not cool, man. Not cool. After an already full day, at about 8 PM I decided to dig into reading I have to do for my research methods class. I was already feeling some fatigue and I had a headache. I spent lots of time looking at screens yesterday and my eyes were tired.
When I logged in to check what I had to read last night, I found myself confronted with 50 pages in one textbook, 34 pages in another, and about 45 minutes worth of video lecture to get through. I felt a little crestfallen. This is a very challenging term in my grad program. It’s known for being the term where people either quit or decide to switch to part-time. The workload is heavy to say the least. I know I’m going to spend 8-10 hours on Friday and Saturday on an assignment for another class so I was really frustrated and feeling a little beat up when I found so much material waiting for me last night. It never stops. The whole program itself really doesn’t stop for two years. I can produce a ton of work but this sometimes does seem like a bit much to me at this point.
Anyway, I settled in at my desk and started reading. I was tired, rubbing my eyes, stretching my neck, and even hoping that the Tylenol I took for my headache (this is rare because I’m a stubborn jerk) would kick in quickly. About 15 minutes into it, I noticed that I was having a hard time focusing on the screen. When I would move my eyes, regaining focus was a challenge. I know this feeling. Sure enough, even though I was sitting, it felt like I was moving in my chair. Really? Now? This is when we’re gonna do this? I was going to have to get up and confirm what was going on, so I did.
Yup. Vertigo. Very disruptive and I hate it. I’m allowed to hate it. I don’t fear it, but I don’t like it. If I moved my head too much up or down, the room would start spinning a little. Actual spinning. Not anxiety “feels like” spinning. Real spinning. The crystals in my ear wind up in in the wrong place so they activate the motion sensors in my ears when they’re not supposed to. I know what to do when it happens, but last night it was was more than just vertigo. The room spins and eye shakes were really the straw that broke the camel’s back. Fatigue. Stress. Frustration. Headache. Overwork. Then … vertigo. Wasn’t my best Wednesday night.
I often speak about how our psychological flexibility and resilience takes a hit when we’re under stress. Well last night I was a textbook example of how that works. I spent a good two hours or so struggling because I wound up in the center of a perfect storm of the crap that life sometimes throws at us.
Even with years and years of solid, durable, lasting recovery under my belt, it was a real challenge for me. Emotions are a thing and mine bubbled over. I felt all the things. I was angry, frustrated and impatient all the same time. I found myself feeling like I wanted to cry. Not over any particular issue. It was just a feeling. I didn’t cry, but that feeling was there. When I hit that point, my anxiety level ramped WAY up into the panic zone. The point is that even for a fully recovered person that has the confidence to write books about this sort of thing, shit happens. My heart was pounding, I was totally derealized, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. Great combo, right? Adrenaline rushes that insist that you get up and move ,except moving causes the room to spin.
I admit that for 10-15 minutes or so, I was in serious navigation mode. I had to use all the things I’ve learned and all the practice I’ve had to not fight all those physical, mental, and emotional feelings. I’m not sure I’ve had to work that hard to not work hard for a very long time.
One of the benefits of full recovery is that even when the place is on fire like it was last night, the smarter part of my brain gets a say in things. At some point I knew that I had to actually address the room spins because that’s not a floating/surrender thing, and I had to do it while really anxious, shaken up, emotional, and uncomfortable.
My first job was to figure out which ear it was which means you lay down and turn both ways to see which way spins harder. Then I had to do the Foster maneuver to try to clear the crystals. I had to do that while experiencing what is probably best described as rolling panic. Adrenaline is a powerful thing so my body and mind were in full fight or flight mode. I know enough to not get carried away by that in terms of thoughts and feelings, but I still experience surges of “OMG!” because that’s part of the deal that we don’t get to wipe out. For about 90 minutes I intentionally made the room spin every 15 minutes to clear those damn crystals while my body and brain were in high gear. The challenge here comes in the fact that I was in that state for so long. That hasn’t happened in quite a few years now. Even while it was happening I knew why it was happening, but it was still VERY uncomfortable and even really scary at times.
After you do the Foster maneuver 4-5 times you’re kinda done. It either works or it doesn’t work. I’m happy to report that ultimately it did mostly work. The spins calmed down and I was able to get myself up and work on more than just being anxious and emotional. And by that I mean that I decided to go listen to some music in the dark to give my tired eyes a rest … while I was feeling anxious and emotional. Sure enough, the anxious and emotional part passed like it always does when I just let it be there.
Perfect storm of total crap … pretty much over. That takes quite a bit of out a person so I was literally sound asleep by about 11 PM which is amazing for me. This morning it’s still not perfect, but my ears will settle out on their own now and I’m up and about. Because I am human, I am feeling a little shaky and on-guard after last night. Because I am a recovered human, I am doing the day I had planned, even while I feel shaky and a little on-guard. My experience tells me that this is a far better choice than “taking it easy”, so that is the choice I make. In fact, even in the 20 minutes or so its taken me to write this, I am already feeling a bit of a shift in the way I am seeing myself and the rest of today. I’m pretty sure that by this afternoon I won’t even be thinking about last night, but I am open to whatever experience today will give me.
Even full recovery can have its challenges, but they look very different than they did back the day. I thought it might help to share that with you. Thanks for coming to story time this morning. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Hey it’s Monday and that means that today at 2 PM Eastern I’ll do my “Recovery Monday” livestream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch. Come join in!
219. When I Am Challenged - Even In Full Recovery