When one famous person assaulted another famous person live on international television a few days ago, what struck me about that exchange was not the exchange itself, but the reaction I saw the next day on social media channels.
Half my social contacts were standing on their chairs, beating their chests and proclaiming to the world that getting up and throwing a right hand at someone is “how it’s done”.
PROTECTOR! WARRIOR! KING!!!! LION!!!! This is the value of “maleness”! This is what makes you important! Register for my weekend retreat and I’ll give you a t-shirt that confirms this to the world!
The heavy emotional and financial investment in that “alpha” label drives messaging that feeds on the male ego and encourages it to be loud and proud. Unfortunately, it also encourages the male ego to enforce a policy of silence, even when that policy is deadly.
It’s 2022. You’d think that by now we’d have figured this stuff out, but we have not.
When we tell men - or anyone that identifies as male - that men must be punch-throwing protectors and warriors to be true men, we are also telling them that fear, vulnerability, and weakness are off limits. When we build gender identify based on ego gratifying acts, we encourage silence when our mental health no longer fits that narrative. We drive men into what can be a deadly silence where struggles must be hidden, appearances must be maintained at all costs, and help must not be asked for.
After all, a lion does not ask for help! The alpha wolf doesn’t cry! They sit at the head of the table and get the job done. THAT’S what they do!
Except humans are not lions or wolves, as much as we want to identify with them. I love a good wolf reference as much as the next guy, but we have to recognize that promoting masculinity based on animal images and ego driven stereotypes completely ignores the fact that we are complex beings and that all humans - even the male among us - can struggle with mental health or emotional issues at any time.
I have had the privilege of not only speaking TO thousands of people about anxiety and mental health over the years, but also WITH just as many. I can tell you that men generally interact with me in a different way. Bro-code, traditional maleness, and the definition of “real man” all hang heavy in the air, coloring those interactions and in many cases muting the discussion. I can also say with certainty that there is a very large percentage of the male and male-identifying population that is absolutely suffering in silence, carrying mental health burdens that they should not have to carry alone. The fear of being seen as inadequate or less than based on mental or emotional state is a powerful fear, and it is driving far too many humans into what can become a deadly state of silence. I get a ton of private messages every day. A quick survey shows me that over 70% of those are from men, and they are private for a reason.
Surely we can do better than this.
I’m not terribly interested in Hollywood drama or gossip, but I am interested in how we treat each other. At a time when open discussion and de-stigmatizing of mental health problems is urgently needed, feeding the male ego at the cost of silencing the male soul is not a wise choice for us to be making.
Now let me get off my soapbox. Tomorrow we’ll return to some of the mechanics of anxiety and recovery.
On the drive back from Delaware last weekend I listened to “The Man Who Knew The Way To The Moon” by Todd Zwillich. I’m a huge space exploration fan so this story behind the story of the Apollo moon landing program was really great. If you have an Audible account and you dig this stuff, give it a listen.
Every Tuesday I’ll let you know what I’m currently reading. I read quite a bit on psychology and philosophy, but really you never know what I’ll have in my Kindle or Audible libraries! If you’re on Goodreads and into books, you can follow/friend me over there. Here’s a link to my “currently reading” shelf. I’d love to see what you’re reading and what you recommend.
72. The Deadly Silence Of The Male Ego