I was recently asked about what I’ve learned from interacting with anxious people over the years. How do I know what to say to people? What have I learned about how to handle their fear or panic?
Good question. I can answer that in one sentence.
When anxious people want to hand me their fear, my job is to take it, then casually drop it on the floor while they watch me do that. This is not to be cold or uncaring. This is not to be dismissive. There is a method to this madness. I have learned that my response to an anxious person must be validating, caring and compassionate, but that my response to their irrational fear and runaway thoughts must be casual or even borderline disrespectful.
If you show me anxious emergency, I will show you calm indifference because that is what you need to see. You cannot see that you are safe, so I will show you by way of my reaction.
If you show me frantic fear, I will show you a casual, confident shrug of my shoulders. You are treating thoughts and feelings like urgent disasters, which they are not. You need to see someone treat them otherwise.
If you demand that I speak to your fear and argue with it as your proxy, I will refuse to do that. When you want me to prove your fear wrong, I will remind you that there is no need to do that and will show you how to treat your fear as irrelevant rather than wrong.
If you try to defend the basis of your fear, I will refuse to hear your argument. I will tell your fear that it is frivolous, pointless, and not worthy of attention.
I know that at face value, these statements will get me roasted by a large number of Internet mental health gurus. Again, always remember that the way I will address an anxious person and the way I will address their fear are two different things. YOU are always worthy of kindness and validation and compassion. Your FEAR is not, because it uses that as fuel and will simply take more and more forever without end if we let it.
So why a casual shrug of my shoulders? Because my job in this process is to help you move gently toward change and recovery, not to hold your hand while you run hysterically in the wrong direction.
We all want our hands held, but sometimes what we want and what we need are not the same thing. My recovery got a major boost when I came to grips with that idea and it is my hope that I can help you learn that same lesson.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
74. A Casual Shrug Of My Shoulders