If you’ve done any digging into the mechanics of anxiety disorders, you may have heard the term, “cognitive distortion”. Cognitive distortions are irrational and irrationally biased thinking patterns that play a key role in keeping us stuck along the way to recovery.
Cognitive distortions cause us to focus heavily on the negative while ignoring or discounting the positive. They will cause us to jump to conclusions that are not warranted or make assumptions about the world and about other people that are not accurate nor reasonable. I’ll kick off a series covering each of the common forms of cognitive distortions, but for today I want to take a few minutes to look at why recognizing and calling out these distortions is far more useful than simply soothing the fear they help to create.
When irrational thinking patterns create a state of alert or fear in our minds, our first instinct is usually to try to soothe that fear by arguing with our thoughts or asking others to help us prove that they are wrong or that nothing bad is about to happen to us. Nobody is to blame, and nobody is failing, in wanting to soothe their fear. This is a natural reaction for all humans.
But when that fear is driven by thinking that by definition is distorted, we can never truly soothe it because we cannot win an argument with an opponent that is not bound by the laws of reality. Distorted thoughts can, and often do, completely fabricate alternate realities that do not and can not exist. They are free to do that, primarily because our thoughts have the benefit of not being real. They can be whatever they want to be, so whenever you come up with a strong case against them, they can simply slide to the left, change their tune, and start the cycle all over again. You may be familiar with this dance because you may be stuck in it right now.
When you default to trying to soothe your fear with words, thoughts, and reassurance provided by others, you are trying to win this un-winnable argument. You might feel better for a short time, then the wheels fall off again and you’re right back at it, trying to knock out an opponent that doesn’t feel any of the punches you’re throwing, no matter how hard you throw them.
This is why even though it might seem insensitive, uncaring, or even rude to react to your fear by “calling it out”, this is the more productive path to recovery. When afraid and feeling vulnerable, you do not want to hear someone shine a cold light on the irrational and often fictional basis for you fear. You want to be told that you are OK. Unfortunately, in this context, it is far better (although much more difficult) to SHOW yourself that you are OK, and this begins with the act of recognizing the distortion and calling it out, sometimes in a brutal, direct way that leaves no wiggle room for rebuttal.
Calling out distortions is process based. It leads to long term progress. It helps teach us to see harmful patterns and apply needed corrections across multiple contexts.
Soothing fear is focused on short term comfort and offers us no real path to learning, which is the key to recovery. When we default to soothing, we wind up at “square one” every time a new fear pops up, which leads to frustration and the increasing fear that we will never get better.
I understand that calling out distortions and distorted thoughts isn’t terribly warm and fuzzy. It doesn’t look like you expect helping to look. But in the end, it is a kind thing to do for yourself, and for someone else, because it shines a light down the path to what is truly desired and needed.
It’s important that I say that this doesn’t mean that you have license to be mean, rude or condescending to yourself or anyone else, but that’s another topic for another day.
106. Calling Out Distortions vs Soothing Fear