Life is full of questions. Sometimes life is nothing but questions. We encounter situations we do not understand and cannot explain. We await outcomes that we cannot fully predict or control. Questions, questions, everywhere!
Here’s another question to add to that list.
Do you automatically turn questions into problems?
Must you ALWAYS know? Must you answer every question, and does every unanswerable question become a problem that must be solved before you can rest?
I get asked many questions about GAD. I know the community is full of people that are wrestling with generalized anxiety, where there are no panic attacks, but there is anxiety lingering all the time. Well, the propensity to want to answer every question, and to turn questions into automatic problems, can be one reason why a person may find themselves anxious all the time for seemingly no reason. Some of our friends even take this to another level by actively looking for questions to answer and problems to solve.
If you can identify with this kind of thing, then you are looking the fear of uncertainty and lack of control square in the face.
Everybody loves certainty and control. They feel like safety, security, or accomplishment. For most people, these are nice things, but they are not necessarily always required. We recognize that we can’t always have them, nor do we always need them to be OK. For the general population, the uncertainty and unknowability (this is now a word) of life are accepted, or maybe even relegated to the land of blissful ignorance. If you’re reading this, odds are you would pay handsomely to be able to accept or ignore the uncertain nature of the universe.
This common drive to answer every question and to turn questions into problems is just that normal drive for safety, comfort, or self-worth run amok. When you can’t know, and therefore feel unsafe or like you are failing your identity as “the one that figures things out”, a state of distress is created. That state of distress or discomfort is the anxiety you feel. So really, if you are someone that habitually and automatically turns questions into problems, the background anxiety that you can’t explain is kind of explainable when you see it from this angle.
There’s some good news here though. You can learn to leave questions unanswered and problems unsolved. I’ve done podcast episodes about this on The Anxious Truth (see episodes 114 and 148 in particular), but the short version is that the act of intentionally leaving things unsolved and unanswered, then the practice of allowing that discomfort, leaning into the distress, and allowing it to rise then fall naturally, is how you build your “distress tolerance muscles” over time. Repeated practice with positive outcomes (nothing bad happened other than being uncomfortable) shows you that you never needed to be in question answering and problems solving mode to begin with. You learn over time that you can let things go, and still be OK.
You might be tempted to counter this by insisting that there might be an instance where the unknown will cause a problem so you MUST be diligent and protect against that. Nonsense. If the uncertain nature of life - which is beyond your control - does cause a real problem or two at times - you will be able to handle them when or if needed. I promise. You can do that.
Take a few minutes today and consider the possibility that you don’t have to turn every question into a problem. Consider that trying to proactively solve every problem and answer every question isn’t keeping you safe and that doing so is not earning you extra points in any account but your own. Think about it. That might be your first step toward making meaningful change.
“Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” - Gilda Radner
Every Friday I’ll share one of my favorite quotes. They’ll often have direct application in recovery, but sometimes they’re just generally funny, inspiring, or thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy them.
110. Not All Questions Are Problems