I’ve probably said a thousand times that we do not recover with words or thoughts. This remains true. But old school “cognitive reframing” does have some use when we can allow it to inform new actions and new behaviors. So as tribute to the gods of cognitive reframing, here are five cheeky sounding - but actually serious - questions to ask yourself about your anxiety.
Please remember that none of these questions are designed to provide a magic light bulb moment that cures you. If that were possible, I’d have far fewer people reading the books I write and listening to the podcasts I record. These questions are designed to inject some objectivity and reality into your process so that you might take some new actions and move in a new direction. The questions are not the work, nor are the answers. These questions inform the work and help to formulate the actions.
Things that make you go “Hmmmmmm.”
1. How does staying in your house protect you against death, insanity, or some other disaster? What magical properties does your home (or some other safe zone) possess that allow it to resist the laws of nature and change the trajectory of the universe? If you are dying because you can’t breathe, how does being at home prevent that? Is the air special in your house?
2. Is your safe person a wizard or a demigod of some kind? How does a safe person save you from your own heartbeat, your own lungs, your own thoughts, or your own fear driven predictions of the future? I love my people, but to the best of my knowledge, none of them has the ability to stop me from having a stroke or losing my sanity simply by being there.
3. If your coping and anxiety management strategies are working for you, then why are you reading this now? Do they work to calm you down and prevent anxiety? Do they stop your scary thoughts or physical sensations? Do they work only sometimes, leaving you to find solutions for the times where they don’t. Why don’t they work all the time? What do they change, and what actual problem are they fixing or solving.
4. How many times has it FELT so real? How many times have you been 100% sure that you were in real danger and about to experience your worst fear coming true? Then, how many times did that wind up not happening? These numbers are almost always going to be equal. How did that happen? Luck? Was it the magical powers from questions 1 or 2 that saved you?
5. When was the last time someone said something to you that sounded so ridiculous that you dismissed them immediately and went on with your life without giving them a second thought? How can their thoughts be ridiculous and subject to easy dismissal, while your own thoughts are not? What’s the difference between your friend’s irrational thought and your own?
I can go on and on with these. We can come up with reframing questions focused on almost any symptom, thought, or emotion. In fact, seeing these five questions above, maybe you want to try answering them, and maybe you even want to come up with your own questions that apply specifically to your situation.
The object here is to allow some reality - cold though that may seem - to leak into the basement of your brain. You won’t instantly change your thoughts and beliefs because of these questions. When anxiety strikes you’ll still believe that you are done for, or that you are a broken failure. But if you make a little room for a sliver of reality, the courage to allow the worst without resistance can be a bit easier to access.
And no, this is not an invalidation of how hard it is and how real it feels. It does not minimize the importance of your soul or the core of your being. But we CAN challenge irrational fears without challenging your humanity or your spirituality. I might actually argue that cheeky sounding questions can be a bit of a celebration of the breadth and depth of possible human experiences, which is the opposite of invalidation.
But that’s a topic for another day.
Today (August 16) Joanna Hardis and I are presenting our “Learning To Tolerate Fear and Discomfort” seminar. If you haven’t already registered and want to see if there are spots left, or are interested in attending next month (do this every month), you can learn more about the program here.
153. Five Cheeky But Serious Questions To Ask About Your Anxiety