I need to start today with an important reminder. It can be easy for people to tell people in abusive relationships to “just leave”. But often it is not that simple, and sometimes leaving can be literally just as dangerous - or more dangerous - than staying. If you are in an an abusive relationship and looking for a way out, please reach out for help. Having an exit and a safety plan in place is important and there are resources out there that can help you do that.
In the US, you can call 800-799-7233 or text the word START to 88788.
Sadly, some of our friends in the community are trying to recover while also being stuck in abusive relationships. That abuse can take different forms. It may be physical, but not always. Emotional, mental, spiritual, and even financial abuse are also real things. If you are in a situation like this, I see you, and I understand how difficult it is and how it is making your recovery situation even more challenging.
One of the basic foundations of recovery that we talk about all the time is learning the lesson that you are always OK. But sometimes, people are not OK. Imagine spending the day doing challenging things in the name of recovery, then being subjected to physical violence, or being told that you are not allowed to eat dinner because you didn’t wear the right shoes, or being told for the ten-thousandth time that you are a horrible person that nobody will ever love. When the recovery challenge is over, are you OK? Can you be? In those situations is there any room to work in? Is there any relief to be had? Is there enough space for that recovery lesson to take root?
I wish I could tell you that I had some great advice to impart that can make those situations better, but sadly I do not. But I do want to validate the fact that living in an abusive relationship means that you will likely struggle more with your recovery. That does not mean that you are really weak, broken, unlovable, or beyond hope. I don’t care if someone is telling you that. They are wrong.
The obvious solution here would be to exit that relationship (in a safe way), right? Well for many of our friends trapped in these situations, that’s easier said than done. We all know the concept of “safe people”. Imagine when the person (or people) responsible for the abuse is also your safe person? Talk about rock and a hard place. Some of our friends want to run, but feel trapped because they believe themselves to be dependent on an abuser because of their anxiety issues. Let me also validate how difficult a position that is to be in. If this is you, and you are reading my words now, please remember that a large percentage of this community at some point winds up “dependent” on safe people. It’s not just you. This is not validation that you are are hopeless. You are not. You have hope too, even when it is hard to see.
More than anything else this morning, I want to remind anyone living this experience that none of it makes you less than or unworthy. You are still worthy and capable of recovery. You are as valuable and lovable as any other person. I know the situation may seem impossible for you, but while you do your best to resolve it, please remember these words.
If you desperately want to get better so you can leave, but can’t manage to get better, consider that it’s not your fault and that your recovery struggles are not a reflection you at all.
Keep going. Do what needs to be done. Keep yourself safe. And give yourself some extra room and some extra grace because you need it and you deserve it.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
157. Recovery Inside Abusive Relationships