I appreciate all the kind words in response to last Friday’s edition of The Anxious Morning where I told the story of my friend Beth and the regrets I still carry surrounding her passing and my struggles with anxiety in those days.
You guys rock!
I want to take the opportunity to talk about the concept of self-forgiveness and giving oneself grace. I think we may be laboring under the assumption that these things are supposed to look a certain way. But really, they can look many different ways.
I am at peace with my regret. Part of that is coming to a place where I can carry it with me and feel it without diving into the deep end of the self-flagellation pool or ruminating on it excessively. What happened happened. That regret is part of my life experience and it helps make me who I am today. The emotions surrounding it are strong emotions. They come up some times. But that’s part of being human. I have a right to those emotions in many ways. I do not see them as a problem nor are they automatically indicative of not giving myself grace or beating myself up. I may feel these things for the rest of my life, but that’s OK because feeling things isn’t automatically a problem to be solved, even when the feelings are difficult or tied to regret.
In my own personal view of the world, there is regret, then there is guilt. Regret is an acknowledgement of things that we wish we could change. Guilt is forever - and fruitlessly - trying to change or seek absolution through self-punishment.
I regret what happened when Beth was in the final 6 months of her life. But I am not guilty over it. My regret keeps me connected to an important time in my life and it reminds of me lessons I learned that continue to serve me well and that should not be lost or minimized. My regret informs my actions and clarifies my values in many cases.
So while I cannot even begin to tell you now much I appreciate the kindness you all showed when I shared that experience, I can tell you that I will never accept “I did the best I could” as the whole answer. I will never excuse my response to irrational fear that I knew was irrational. That’s OK. I don’t require that. I’m OK this way. I can see it the way I see it without beating myself up or feeling guilty.
When I included that Thoreau quote about regret at the end of that essay, I did it because it resonates with me. It perfectly describes how I am able to give myself grace and move forward, even when that does not look the way we think it should look.
“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.” - Henry David Thoreau
There’s more than one way to “give grace”. If this is a thing you’re struggling with, maybe consider that your way might not look the way it’s “supposed to look”. But that’s OK.
And keep in mind that bit about regret and guilt. You might find that helpful.
Hey it’s Monday and that means that today at 2 PM Eastern I’ll do my “Recovery Monday” livestream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Come join in!
159. "Giving Myself Grace"