This is a topic I’ve been meaning to get into for a while now . I have a podcast episode planned to cover it, and a few videos with a few guests to talk about it because believe it or not, many anxious people find themselves wanting to get better, but afraid to get better.
Why is this?
If you were to ask Alfred Adler, he would have told you that we develop anxiety disorders so that we can use our fear as excuses for not facing our shortcomings. In Adlerian theory we somehow subconsciously will ourselves into a disordered state as a coping mechanism that gives us a reason to not resolve our conflict with ourselves and our unfulfilled potential. Adler applied some of the same reasoning to things like chronic illnesses or even moderate impairments like recurring migraines or unexplained pain or malaise.
Really, Al? Is that the look you’re going for?
Anyway, this isn’t an exercise in hating on dead psychoanalysts. But as extreme as Adler’s view might be, we can’t deny that there is some measure of validity in the assertion that when we get better, we have no excuse for not “showing up” in life. That was true for me. When I was no longer afraid to drive on the Long Island Expressway, I had to go out and do things. Find new business. Cultivate new client relationships. Actually do tasks and complete projects that people were paying to have done. And while nobody will ever accuse me of lacking confidence, even I can see that there’s some level of risk in that.
When we try things, we might fail or get them wrong or upset people or be judged. When we show up, we might suffer what we deem to be negative consequences for showing up. That’s true. As disheartening and frustrating as being stuck in an anxious state is, the opposite condition is not automatic success and smooth sailing. Life is tough sometimes. Actually leaving the house means you have to encounter that toughness.
Food for thought, eh?
Does this sound like a ridiculous concept to you, or is part of you afraid to get better in some way? Maybe it’s a little of both. That can happen.
My only goal for today is to shine some light on a subject that doesn’t get much attention. This may be because it’s difficult to address this without sounding accusatory or like one is victim-blaming.
I just want you to know that if you are nervous about giving up the excuses and being forced to “show up” in life, you’re not alone and you are not of flawed character. It’s pretty common to wonder about questions like who will take care of you if you don’t need to be taken care of any more, or how you will actually handle life if you have to do it on your own. You may be wondering how on earth you’ll actually be a competent parent or partner or boss or employee when right now you feel like you can’t get out of your own way on most days. That’s OK. Doubt is normal. It’s gonna happen sometimes.
If you are struggling with the fear of getting better and having to come out of the anxiety bubble, know that the bubble itself is showing you a distorted view of both the outside world, and yourself. You may feel incapable today, but the act of getting better address that feeling. Being afraid to get better now doesn’t guarantee that you will struggle when you get better later. The lessons of recovery are many, and they go beyond recovery. In many ways, the process itself addresses the fear of engaging with the process.
So meta. This thing is truly mind-bending sometimes.
Oh, and forget Alfred Adler. He was just making shit up anyway. They all were back then.
164. Sometimes We're Afraid To Get Better