Sometimes life is just a pain in the ass. Who want’s to disagree with me on this? Nobody? That’s what I thought.
Why do I say this in a seemingly random fashion? Because sometimes even when we are doing the work of recovery, staying committed, and making progress, life throws a huge monkey wrench into the gears and makes a total mess. This can and does happen to almost everyone at some point.
For example, you are doing your exposures, following your plan, taking small steps consistently and incrementally, and starting to see that things can change for you. You’re seeing some small changes and finally starting to feel a little optimistic about recovery. Even so, you feel in a fragile state and are tentative in your belief. This is normal. Everyone goes through that phase.
While you are taking your early steps forward, life throws a giant challenge at you. A family vacation that’s been in the works for 9 months. A wedding. A medical procedure. Life will force you to confront challenges that you do not feel ready to confront yet.
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You wind up stuck between a rock and hard place in that if you go toward the challenge, it might be “horrible”. You might “fail”. Even worse, your anxious mind will tell you that if it is a bad experience, you’ll go right back to square one in recovery. I’ve heard all of this before. On the other side, if you run from the challenge or refuse to even try, you will kinda hate yourself for making that choice. Maybe running away from the challenge means also being afraid and anxious because it means being left alone for a while, or enduring continued illness or injury that also triggers your anxious response.
In this situation, what can you do? When confronted with a scenario in which both choices seem impossible, what happens?
I wish I had a clear answer for you. Often people will want to be told what to do, or to have their choice validated once they’ve made it. But really, there’s a better way. Let me offer a few points that might help you navigate through this kind of thing.
Sometimes we are faced with two hard choices. No matter which we pick, we will be challenged. Recognize that you have made at least a part-time job out of never being challenged, so your fear will magnify this situation and make it into the worst possible thing that can happen to you. Distortion. It’s a thing.
When forced to “pick your hard”, ask yourself which of the two hard things is better in terms of moving forward toward the goal of recovery? When possible, pick that one, but do not forget that it WILL be a challenge. Expect that.
If you do pick the other option - the “safer” or “easier” option - you are also going to be challenged practically on the anxiety front and/or emotionally based on regret and negative self-judgment. Expect that too. But - and this is a big but - after you make time to lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself, how can you use that experience? What can it teach you? How can it motivate you and inform more productive actions and choices? I have heard addiction counselors use the phrase, “My client needed more consequences.” I am NOT saying in any way that anxiety is some kind of addiction, but I believe that negative consequences for our avoidance and escape are needed sometimes. We’re trying to do scary things on purpose. Who wants to do that? Nobody! Having to deal with the fact that you stayed behind while your family went on vacation will be difficult, but can also provide some level of motivation and drive to start to do those scary things.
The point here is that when between a rock and a hard place in recovery you may want someone to somehow get you out of that place with words or magic advice. You don’t want to make either choice and may be desperate to get out of that situation. But this is not practical or possible. Recognize that you are in a crappy situation because the Universe is an ass sometimes and does this, then consider how you can use the situation to your best advantage.
You may know that I am a huge fan of Stoic philosophy. Marcus Aurelius said that what stands in the way becomes the way. How can this obstacle become part of the way to recovery for you? As silly as this may sound when you are beside yourself with fear, desperation and anticipation, ask yourself if this is happening TO you, or FOR you?
A rock and a hard place is a crappy place to be. But climbing out of that place can be an experience we look back on one day with gratitude.
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179. Rock And A Hard Place