The Anxious Morning
The Anxious Morning
180. Self-Parenting In Recovery
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180. Self-Parenting In Recovery

Let's clear up a few things ...
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Self-parenting is an actual thing. If you had told me five years ago that I would be writing about it, I would have laughed at you, but here we are. I’m actually happy to be here doing it, too!

Sometimes we hear the term self-parenting talked about in the context of recovery. I wanted to take this morning to give you an example of where I think it is perfectly applied, and an example of how I think it can often be misinterpreted in our context.

A great application of the concept of self-parenting can be found attached to the idea of self-compassion. Recognizing your challenges and being kind and understanding with yourself as you meet them. Consider what you might do if one of your children (or a close friend) came to you and described being in the same situation anxiety-wise that you might be in yourself right now. What if your child or your friend was discouraged, negative, and speaking really poorly about themselves. What would you do? How would you respond to them? What would you tell them?

We can use the idea of self-parenting in recovery to start talking to ourselves like we talk to the people we love. We would totally recognize that our kids or loved ones are struggling and we would know that all humans struggle sometimes. We would know that they are not failing and that they are not bad people or unloveable in some way. We would still love them, care for them, cheer for them, and support them. We might give them a stern talking-to about being so mean to themselves.

So … maybe consider doing that for yourself?

I know. Crazy talk.

But in all seriousness this is where the idea of self-parenting can be really useful in recovery. This stuff is hard enough without beating yourself up during every waking hour. Support yourself the way you would support a child. You deserve that. Practice it as best you can.

Let’s look at one way that the concept of self-parenting is maybe misapplied a little in the context of anxiety recovery.

Sometimes we talk about how a person may struggle more in recovery because they had parents that were not terribly supportive and encouraging. Sadly, this happens. We don’t get to pick our parents. Even if we did, they would not always get it right because parents are flawed like everyone else. In a situation where parents were neglectful, did not make a child feel safe and supported, or were harmful or abusive, one might learn that the world is unsafe and that taking risks and doing hard things is not advisable or even possible.

In these situation we sometimes see the term self-parenting brought into the discussion when it comes to trying to move forward. Sometimes people have to learn to encourage and support themselves because their parents never did it for them. This is true and it’s an important concept. But we have to be sure that we do not paint only half a picture. There’s more to be said here that really matters in the context of recovery as we know it.

When parents are supporting and encouraging a child, that isn’t only happening to bring about an emotional or mental state. It’s not just about making the child feel loved or accepted. Clearly those are very important, but in our context we must remember that supportive, encouraging parents enable a child to explore the world and have new experiences. Good parenting in those early years teach us that it is safe to take risks, to try new things, to learn new things, and even to stumble, fall, and fail. The support we get in the best case tells us that we can come back, access love and unconditional acceptance, then use those things to help us brush ourselves off and try again. Good parenting enables kids to explore and to learn from experience that they are capable. It promotes feelings of competence and confidence. Where have you heard these words before?

The point here is that when we apply the concept of self-parenting in recovery, we can’t stop with the emotional impact. We need that impact for sure, but we have to remember that when we engage in self-parenting, we are encouraging ourselves to take action. We are supporting ourselves as we take risks, face fears, and learn lessons from that. Self-parenting helps an agoraphobic learn valuable lessons the same way good parenting helps a child learn how to ride a bike without being afraid of injury or to express themselves without being afraid of being abandoned. The support and encouragement are great, but without the action that those things inform, we’re only getting half the benefit.


I’ve written three books on anxiety, anxiety disorders, and recovery. Want to learn more about them? Click here.


Even if you had amazing parents that are beyond reproach, you can still self-parent yourself through recovery sometimes. Be nice to yourself, and learn to love and accept yourself even when you stumble, fail, or “get it wrong”. Then go right out and stumble, fail, and get it wrong as often as you need to. Rinse, and repeat.

In my opinion, and since this is my newsletter I get to state my opinion, this is the best and most productive way to conceptualize and use the concept of self-parenting in recovery.

Do you have an opinion on this? Feel free to use the comments section on Substack to voice it. I love it when you do.

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The Anxious Morning
The Anxious Morning
Wake up every morning to a hot cup of anxiety support, empowerment, education, and inspiration in your inbox. The Anxious Morning is written and recorded by Drew Linsalata.