Let me share some common questions I see at least a few times every week.
“How do you guys handle panic when you have kids ….?”
“Does anyone have any tips for handling anxiety while driving?”
“How am I supposed to surrender to anxiety when I’m at work?”
“Any tips for handling panic when you’re in a social situation?”
Let me say clearly that asking these question is not a problem. There’s a reason why they get asked so often. Let me also acknowledge that clearly, the context does matter and is special when you’re working on overcoming trauma like assault or abuse that took place in specific situations or places that now trigger you. That is all real and it matters, but that’s not what we’re talking about this morning because not everyone reading has had that experience.
That being said, let’s take this apart to see what’s under the hood, shall we?
Here we have four examples of seemingly different situations and contexts where anxiety or panic play a role. Parenting. Driving. Work. Social interaction. Are those different contexts and situations? Of course they are. Caring for a 3 year old has little to no resemblance to being at an adult birthday gathering or a concert in a large stadium. But if we look a bit closer, what is the common thread running through all of these situations and contexts?
Anxiety and panic are the common threads. In each situation, the person asking the question is starting from the assertion that there is a level of anxiety or panic that is “too much” and will therefore have an adverse impact on the situation they are in. They won’t be able to take care of their kids, they’ll do a bad job at work, they will embarrass themselves in front of people, or they’ll somehow crash the car. Different outcomes, but all linked by one common thread - you won’t be able to handle a certain level of anxiety, fear, or discomfort.
In each of these cases, the person asking the question is convinced that the question is specific to parenting, driving, working, or socializing. The person asking the question is sure that it’s an important question to ask because they see those contexts as important in general, or within a challenge they are currently facing. This person sees a need for answers geared directly at the specific context of parenting, or work, or whatever.
What happens if we turn that around? Rather than looking at tips and tricks for handling anxiety at work or at birthday parties, what if we started looking at handling anxiety in general? What would happen if you only asked the first part of the question?
“How do you handle anxiety?” Stop. The rest of the question is generally irrelevant.
If you focus your attention here rather than on being at work or taking care of your kids, you can see that if you work on that first part - learning that you can handle anxiety even when you think you can’t - the second part of the question that speaks to a specific context no longer matters. This is why I say often that we want varied experiences in recovery and that when we aim at the right target, exposures are additive and carry over from one situation to another. Want to get better at being home alone? Get better at experiencing panic in the car. It’s strange, but true.
Generally speaking, within the bounds of internally generated disordered anxiety, the context where anxiety appears is not special or even necessarily relevant. Learning to handle anxiety while parenting might seem REALLY special because … parenting. But is it that special or is it just the context that feels most important to you at the moment or because of what you value in life?
When it comes to recovery, be a generalist, not a specialist. Don’t focus on learning to drive while anxious. Focus on learning how to get better at being anxious whenever that pops up. Take the context out of the equation and stop at the first part of the question. That’s the part that leads us out of the woods!
“How do you handle anxiety …. Anywhere?”
Hey it’s Monday and that means that today at 2 PM Eastern I’ll do my “Recovery Monday” livestream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Come join in!
187. The Context Isn't Special