So far on The Anxious Morning we’ve covered two cognitive distortions. Polarized thinking in edition 109 and emotional reasoning in edition 179. Go check those out if you’re interested and missed them.
Today we’re going to talk about another common cognitive distortion that runs rampant among people dealing with anxiety and anxiety disorders. This one is called “personalization”.
Personalization is the distortion that drives you to assume that somehow most things are either your fault, caused by you, or about you in some way. That might sound like being self-centered, but that’s a different thing. When we’re dealing with the distortion of personalization, we’re generally talking about negative or self-deprecating thinking.
So what does personalization look like in the real world?
If you find yourself apologizing for everything because you somehow find a way to put yourself at fault for triggering any kind of mistake or conflict, you may be falling into the personalization trap.
If you automatically assume that anyone that is angry or upset must be angry or upset about YOU, there’s a chance that you’re under the spell of personalization.
Related to that, if you try to navigate carefully because you assume that everything you do might trigger something bad, you are likely encountering this cognitive distortion.
Personalization might lead you to conclude that you are always being excluded, singled out, or targeted by others.
Not all personalization is disordered or the result of extreme cognitive distortion. We all misinterpret the world sometimes. This can be especially true when we’re under stress or feeling particularly emotional. When it becomes standard operating procedure, then there’s a good chance the distortion is part of a wider problem like anxiety, depression, or a traumatic past. Speaking of trauma and personalization, someone who has been through physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive experiences can start to engage regularly in assuming that they are to blame for all the bad things.
How does personalization relate to recovery? This is a big question. In the community surrounding my work I most often see recovery impacts when personalization is a reflection of negative self-image, lack of confidence, or an abusive past. Recovery is hard work that doesn’t always go smoothly. Someone that filters the world through the distorted lens of personalization can often conclude that the “hard days” are hard because they are not capable of doing difficult things. Someone always on guard against triggering others or causing conflict or drama may be even more scared to engage in recovery related activities. This person may worry that exposures and facing fear will be disruptive to the people around them. They may fear that the need for a higher level of personal support while recovering will be inconvenient for others and may lead to that dreaded conflict or drama.
If this sounds like you, you can start to ask yourself two questions that can help shine a light on the distortion of personalization:
“What am I trying to control here, and why?”
“Why do I see myself as responsible for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE?”
Simply asking these questions will not cure your anxiety disorder or leapfrog you to instant recovery, but they are a good place to start if you find yourself constantly blaming yourself for everything or tying yourself into everything negative happening around you. The first step in “fixing” a cognitive distortion is to recognize it. The second step is actually about a million tiny steps - each one taken every time you shatter that distorted lens and put yourself into direct contact with reality, even when that might be challenging or scary.
There are a few more key cognitive distortions for us to cover, so we’ll get around to those in the next month or two.
Have a great weekend and thank you for reading or listening.
“There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.” - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Every Friday I’ll share one of my favorite quotes. They’ll often have direct application in recovery, but sometimes they’re just generally funny, inspiring, or thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy them.
194. Cognitive Distortions: Personalization