Interesting. Just thinking about how this fits in with the fawning/people pleasing aspect of trauma responses. I think it’s that, but by another name. And for sure it’s also about control. The Oscar Wilde quote nails that aspect if it!
Really enjoyed listening to this one, timely as ever for me also😊 The cognitive distortion elements are super relevant esp. to social anxiety disorder which I battle with - so much of it is about people pleasing, guilt, blame (yourself & others), low self esteem, constant mental replaying of micro events/conversations, and managing time/actions/others accordingly around every aspect of one’s life so as to control the impact of all these negative feelings.
I look forward to further TAM episodes on cognitive distortions… having read another useful book by Allison McKleroy (Essential Strategies for Social Anxiety) she outlines some of the common distortions very articulately, with a range of useful strategies to address them. And exactly as Drew says here… fixing them starts with 1. recognising the distortion(s) and 2. a million tiny steps involving exposure & acceptance work, which requires commitment, tenacity and patience (as emphasised in ‘The Anxious Truth’ book) every single day, sometimes in every single moment (for me at least!). Another gem of an episode Drew, thanks again🙏🏼
Thanks for this, Drew. It's extremely timely. I vacillate between feeling angry and guilty all day every day. I can think of only a handful of times when I felt truly confident about important personal decisions that affected others. I am just learning that all decisions are imperfect and those amazing self-assured people in this world realize that---they accept that life is not perfect and their decisions don't have to be either.
We moved to the boonies about a year and a half ago. I didn't want to leave the area where I grew up (since age 14). For me, it was safety and familiarity. For my husband, it was chaos. He won. Today, a year and a half later, I'm still angry about it. I don't like to think of how anxious I was when we signed on the dotted line, packed, moved. And afterwards. It was true living hell. I wish I'd known of the Anxious Truth then! An exposure SUPREME!
I've been furious with my husband for this move and not happy for him at all. Because I am miserable and lonely. I am in some online groups and that helps. It's the best I can do right now. Everything else involves long drives and it gets exhausting. No youngster anymore.
Strangely enough, the people-pleaser in me feels responsible for everything right now. If I weren't anxious, I would have been able to either move without freaking out or stand up tall for what I wanted. Being anxious and having no self-esteem curdles your autonomy. I have none.
So while I'm still furious that I will have to end my days in this lonely land, or in some kind of horrible nursing home, I blame myself for it. I blame myself for all the problems in my marriage even though I get angry with my husband daily. It's really all my fault.
Your message today, beautifully written, as always, really hits the nail on the head for me.
I need to read it a few more times. Appreciate as always, Drew.
Interesting. Just thinking about how this fits in with the fawning/people pleasing aspect of trauma responses. I think it’s that, but by another name. And for sure it’s also about control. The Oscar Wilde quote nails that aspect if it!
Really enjoyed listening to this one, timely as ever for me also😊 The cognitive distortion elements are super relevant esp. to social anxiety disorder which I battle with - so much of it is about people pleasing, guilt, blame (yourself & others), low self esteem, constant mental replaying of micro events/conversations, and managing time/actions/others accordingly around every aspect of one’s life so as to control the impact of all these negative feelings.
I look forward to further TAM episodes on cognitive distortions… having read another useful book by Allison McKleroy (Essential Strategies for Social Anxiety) she outlines some of the common distortions very articulately, with a range of useful strategies to address them. And exactly as Drew says here… fixing them starts with 1. recognising the distortion(s) and 2. a million tiny steps involving exposure & acceptance work, which requires commitment, tenacity and patience (as emphasised in ‘The Anxious Truth’ book) every single day, sometimes in every single moment (for me at least!). Another gem of an episode Drew, thanks again🙏🏼
Thanks for this, Drew. It's extremely timely. I vacillate between feeling angry and guilty all day every day. I can think of only a handful of times when I felt truly confident about important personal decisions that affected others. I am just learning that all decisions are imperfect and those amazing self-assured people in this world realize that---they accept that life is not perfect and their decisions don't have to be either.
We moved to the boonies about a year and a half ago. I didn't want to leave the area where I grew up (since age 14). For me, it was safety and familiarity. For my husband, it was chaos. He won. Today, a year and a half later, I'm still angry about it. I don't like to think of how anxious I was when we signed on the dotted line, packed, moved. And afterwards. It was true living hell. I wish I'd known of the Anxious Truth then! An exposure SUPREME!
I've been furious with my husband for this move and not happy for him at all. Because I am miserable and lonely. I am in some online groups and that helps. It's the best I can do right now. Everything else involves long drives and it gets exhausting. No youngster anymore.
Strangely enough, the people-pleaser in me feels responsible for everything right now. If I weren't anxious, I would have been able to either move without freaking out or stand up tall for what I wanted. Being anxious and having no self-esteem curdles your autonomy. I have none.
So while I'm still furious that I will have to end my days in this lonely land, or in some kind of horrible nursing home, I blame myself for it. I blame myself for all the problems in my marriage even though I get angry with my husband daily. It's really all my fault.
Your message today, beautifully written, as always, really hits the nail on the head for me.
I need to read it a few more times. Appreciate as always, Drew.