“Thoughts and feelings are interesting and important, but they should not necessarily dictate what happens next.” - Steven C Hayes, et al, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Second Edition
Humans think. Humans feel. This is, contrary to the belief of many anxious people, not a problem.
Our thoughts and feelings do not exist in a vacuum. They are contextual. They arise in many different situations and for many different reasons. It follows that there is also a wide range of possible responses and reactions to thoughts and feelings based on context.
Thoughts and feelings can be like rain. How we respond to them can be like rain boots. If you walk out the door dressed nicely for work and it is raining very hard, you may choose to go back inside and put on your rain boots, placing your nice work shoes in a bag to protect them.
Now let’s imagine a different day. It’s raining when you go out, but this time you are on your way to a camping trip, so you are wearing hiking boots. Would you run inside and put on rain boots? Maybe. Maybe not.
On a third day, you are heading off to work and it isn’t raining yet, but the sky is very grey and full of clouds. In that situation you would likely consider how long a walk you have, how imminent the rain seems, and what the weather might be on your walk home. You may or may not put on your rain boots depending on the conclusion you draw from your deliberation.
When it comes to rain and boots, you likely see the need for flexibility in how you respond and in what actions you take. The idea of “rain” does not exist as an absolute. You will consider the context surrounding the rain before responding. You would not formulate a rigid plan that instantly demands a “boots response” whenever you see rain, hear the word “rain” or think about rain.
This is often exactly what we do with our thoughts and feelings. Especially when in an anxious state, we can fall into the trap of automatically responding to thoughts and feelings in the same way all the time. We fail to see that sometimes thoughts and feelings mean one thing, and sometimes they mean other things. We forget that sometimes they matter, and sometimes they don’t. We lose sight of the importance of context and flexibility. We declare that what we think and feel must automatically and immediately be responded to and followed based on a literal interpretation at all times without exception.
An anxious thought about death, for example, triggers an instant, urgent, intense anxious response . There is no consideration of context. No understanding of the situation that created that thought. There is no nuanced strategy for how to respond to that thought based on that particular situation. There is only a knee-jerk reaction based on fear and the belief that thoughts and feelings are ALWAYS vitally important.
Sometimes, thoughts and feelings require a response or inform some action. Often, they do not. Often a thought is just a thought that requires no response. It may seem impossible or unthinkable to NOT react immediately to powerful thoughts and feelings. This is common.
First, recognize the context in which your thoughts and feelings exist.
“I am thinking and feeling in an anxious state where thoughts and feelings can seem extra powerful and more important than they really are.”
This can be a useful first step in wrapping your brain around the idea that your thoughts and feelings do not always matter, no matter how strong they may be at any given time. Start here, and we’ll talk more about this as we go along on The Anxious Morning.
We’ll start next week with a few days on observing the process rather than evaluating the content of anxious thoughts and sensations.
“My greatest strength is that I don’t know what I’m doing.” - Tom York (Radiohead)
Every Friday I’ll share one of my favorite quotes. They’ll often have direct application in recovery, but sometimes they’re just generally funny, inspiring, or thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy them.
20. On Thoughts, Feelings, and Rain Boots