When I wrote An Anxiety Story and The Anxious Truth, which were both written at about the same time, I wrote some things about taking breaks and days off that I really wish I could take back. Today I’ll try to clarify some of my words because I’m reasonably sure that I’ve caused some confusion in the almost three years since those books were published.
When I wrote “No breaks, no days off”, I was speaking directly to the critical need to break the avoidance cycle. The words I chose seem harsh and absolute in nature. If you read them literally - and why wouldn’t you - you would think that you must never take a break or a day off in recovery. You might decide that your job is to be recovering 24/7 without stopping. If you’ve read those words and come to this conclusion, or wondered why on Earth I would write that or say that … I’m sorry. Really. That was a really bad choice of words on my part. If I could magically do a find and replace on the tends of thousands of copies of those books that are out in the world, I would totally do that. I would change those phrases today.
I’ve also written extensively both in those books and in everything I’ve ever written since about the fact that everyone needs to rest and that taking breaks is totally OK. In The Anxious Truth I even specifically talk about how doing exposure work in the morning makes “vegging out” in the evening that much sweeter and less full of guilt or feelings of failure. When asked, I’ve been clear in stating that everyone gets tired and when tired, we rest. I would not deny that. Nonetheless, I did write “No breaks, no days off” so I have to own that.
What was I trying to say in such a ham-handed clumsy way? My point when I was writing those books was to address the sneaky, manipulative nature of avoidance.
If you give someone with panic disorder the choice between doing a difficult exposure or taking a “mental health day”, that person will choose the mental health day very often. I was that person. I made that mistake. I was a master at coming up with reasons why I should stay in my safe bubble and avoid things that might trigger me. The excuses and rationalizations were often quite creative, and also quite ridiculous. But sometimes I would just use words like “tired”, “exhausted”, and “down time” to make an excuse for avoiding.
Was I genuinely tired sometimes? Of course I was. Was I sometimes exhausted and in need of some down time. I was. I am a person and everyone needs that sometimes. But when I promised myself that I would take no breaks and no days off - then wrote those words in two books - I was essentially admitting that often I was just making excuses to follow my anxious brain and to give in to fear. I will not lie. I did exposures every single day for months on end with no days off and no breaks. That is true. I needed to do that to break that sneaky avoidance habit. But that being said, I am not telling you that you have to do that. That’s what it took for me to really confront the fact that I was often lying to myself about why it was OK to return to the sofa or stay in the house.
In retrospect, I would have written exactly this. I would have told readers that a key moment in recovery is the moment where we stop lying to ourselves to justify avoidance. I would have said that steps - whatever they are for you - should be taken to remain aware of this nasty habit and to do what needs to be to break it over time. That seems more clear - and more realistic. It’s a more accurate description of what I was doing and would I suspect most people making progress are doing.
It is completely possible to stop using breaks and days off as excuses for avoidance WHILE ALSO taking breaks and having days off. Tired? Exhausted? Rest! But also be clear about the fact that tired is not a binary function. Tired is a variable. We can feel more tired on some days and less tired on others. Might you scale back a bit on days when you feel kinda tired? Maybe. Might you take a day off when you’re really tired or feeling a sense of exhaustion? You might. That’s OK. We just have to take care to not immediately call for a break or day(s) off the minute we feel any sense of fatigue.
This is going to push up against 900+ words. I needed this many words to explain what “No breaks, no days off” should have said. I can be a bit reductionist at times, and when I wrote those words I was really pushing that to the limit. I won’t be saying that any more. I am sorry for the confusion my words may have caused. I hope today’s edition of The Anxious Morning helps to clear that up.
I think tomorrow to end the week I’ll talk about what happens when we don’t know if we’re tired or afraid. That’s a thing and it needs some words too.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
217. Revisiting Breaks And Days Off. Words I Wish I Had Not Written.