Every month I will ask one of my friends and collaborators to write a guest entry for The Anxious Morning. This month our guest writer is my friend and respected anxiety/OCD therapist Kimberley Quinlan. I love what Kim brought for us today. I hope you will too.
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Can I make space for this?
I am often asked, “What is the one skill you have learned that helped you the most in your recovery? The answer is quite simple. It is a simple question.
Can I make space for this discomfort?
I remember going to my therapist many years ago when I was in the early stages of treatment. I told my therapist a story of a recent event and how much fear I was experiencing about it happening again.
She sat quietly with her hand rubbing the side of the leather couch. Then, gently, she asked, “I am wondering, instead of us reviewing this event and addressing the probability of this event ever happening again, could we first just make space for the discomfort you feel?”
Ugh! Doesn’t she know that requires me to FEEL my feelings? Does she not know how much I would prefer to “solve” this problem instead of leaning into the discomfort I felt?
Together we sat for maybe 15-20 seconds as she continued to run her hand back and forth over the leather arm of the chair. We practiced just allowing space for ALL the feelings I felt.
Fear of the future.
Annoyance at the activity.
Sadness that I felt this way.
Frustration that my mind was messing with me.
It was hard to make space for these feelings, but I quickly understood what she was trying to achieve. There was much benefit to just making space for what I was feeling instead of solving it.
I want to take this special time with you (Thank you, Drew) to offer you an opportunity to consider just making space for YOUR discomfort.
Creating space for discomfort can feel painful and irresponsible, I know. Fear can convince us that we are doing the “smart” thing by calculating the probability of our fears coming true. Uncertainty can feel so urgent and propel us toward safety behaviors that keep us in the painful loop of anxiety and keep our minds stuck.
Now that I am a therapist and educator, I often ask my clients and listeners the very same question, “Is there a chance you can make space for this experience?”
We giggle together when I tell them I remember being asked this same question, acknowledging that no human enjoys making space for discomfort. However, when we do a cost-benefit analysis, we quickly learn that allowing discomfort has way better outcomes than pushing discomfort away or wrestling with its validity.
Sure, when you put in the time and solve this one fear, you WILL feel some semblance of relief. But, what will you do next time fear comes by with a new super-duper, important and urgent concern?
That’s right! You will have to solve it all over again. And in that process, you will keep believing that you cannot tolerate or handle the discomfort of just allowing this fear to come and go as it pleases.
So here we go. Let's practice together?
Can you allow whatever you are experiencing to be here, just how it is, right now?
Can you make space for it to be messy?
Can you drop your shoulders and loosen your jawbone and be kinder with the struggles you are having?
Can you make space for this experience without assigning meaning to what it means about you or your future? Remember, this discomfort will not hurt you. Instead, it will rise and fall with time if you allow it.
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Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT is dedicated to providing outstanding therapy and counseling for those with OCD and related disorders, Eating Disorders and Body Focused Repetitive Disorders. She is also passionate about advocating for those with Mental Health Disorders. Kimberley is dedicated to ongoing advocacy and education within the community for OCD, Eating Disorders and BFRB’s.
Find Kimberley online at https://cbtschool.com.
Hey it’s Monday and that means that today at 2 PM Eastern I’ll do my “Recovery Monday” livestream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Come join in!
41. Can You Make Space For This Discomfort?