Are you trying to recover while also keeping everyone around you happy?
The need to belong and be accepted in family and social groups is a core human need. Being part of something bigger than ourselves has historically signaled safety and increased chance of survival. It’s natural to want to be accepted.
Sometimes this can get a bit twisted by the dynamics of the group we are hoping to belong to. Dysfunctional family systems that use negative reinforcement to encourage conformity are good examples of this. Groups like this can teach us that our actions must always take into account the reactions of those around us. We tiptoe around on eggshells, hoping to never make waves lest we be punished, or even worse, expelled from the group.
In this context, we can sometimes wind up trying to engineer a recovery by committee, where the goal is not only to improve your relationship with anxiety, but to keep the group happy and “off your back” at the same time. This can present a real problem, especially when the role you’ve been given by the group includes staying quiet, not making waves, and not “screwing up”. If you’ve been taught that what you do is a primary factor in everyone else being happy, this can really gum up the works when it comes to your recovery.
Let’s look at three examples.
Anxious, frightened people are often unsure of what to do next. If the group is making choices for you based on the role you must fill, the group may not be pointing you in the direction of recovery at all. The “committee” may be steering you deeper into the disorder, or at least encouraging you to remain stuck.
Recovery involves intentionally being afraid or anxious on a regular basis. This is difficult work that involves being anything but calm. Inviting panic when the committee demands that you never “make a scene” becomes a no win situation. Get better, or be punished for being “too much”. This is not a helpful choice to have to make.
Effective recovery means that you must make yourself and your recovery work a bit of a priority. Scheduling exposure sessions and having space to sometimes work through intentional discomfort can disrupt group routines and schedules. If your committee can’t tolerate that and threatens punishment for being too disruptive, or labels your actions as “selfish”, you’re going to find yourself struggling to serve two masters. Recovery, and the group dynamic. This is another no-win situation that will make recovery more difficult than it otherwise might be.
If you find yourself sometimes stalled or even paralyzed in your recovery because the act of getting better means risking the wrath of your tribe, then you may be in a “recovery by committee” situation that can at least partially explain your struggle.
To be fair, a committee is not always a bad thing. A strong support system that works WITH you in recovery is really helpful. But a group dynamic that works AGAINST you and threatens punishment for the act of getting better is going to be a problem.
We can’t solve the problem in one short email, but for now, please know that it is not your fault if you find yourself in that situation. We’ll return to this topic from time to time because I know its important to many of you.
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Tomorrow, we’ll have a little fun by looking at how one of my favorite movies teaches us about the irrational nature of anxious fear.
Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.
34. Recovery By Committee?