Yesterday we talked about the bad habit of beating ourselves up and calling ourselves failures when we fail to complete an exposure or meet a recovery or life challenge. Today let’s finish that discussion by looking at two things we can do to meet our failures and disappointments in a more productive way.
Let’s start by recognizing that failure feels awful, but it does not make us awful people. When we fail, we feel bad. We hurt. We want relief from that hurt. If we start telling everyone that we are awful failures that will never get better, we will get sympathetic responses that help soothe our pain temporarily. But there is a better way to get the support we need in those situations.
Try describing the situation with kinder words and in a more objective way without adding judgment about yourself.
“I really wanted to stay for the whole wedding today. I didn’t because I was afraid and didn’t feel brave. I’m really upset that I failed. I could use a little encouragement and support right now.”
See how that works? When you approach things this way, you acknowledge reality (there’s no sense trying to deny it), and you ask for emotional support in a way that does not use your emotional state as a weapon against yourself. Try that. See what happens when you do.
The second step we can take to process our failures in a better way is to recognize that the failure is the result of things we DO, not the result of who we are. Failure is just the result of a series of small choices and actions that lead to a result that you don’t want.
For example, a typical failure for me during recovery might have been running back home because I experienced panic while driving. Rather than calling myself a failure and gluing my self worth to that experience, I would do better to acknowledge how I feel, but to dismantle the failure so I could see it for what it really was. A series of small actions that might have looked like this:
I tried to use breathing to stop it instantly.
I kept poking and massaging around my heart.
I turned up the radio, then turned it down.
I opened the window, then closed it.
I turned on the heat, then turned if off.
I actively participated in the “OMG!” inner dialogue and even said it out loud a few times.
I wiggled and fidgeted in my seat the whole time.
These would have been the choices I’d have made that would have ended up with “giving in” and “failing”.
See how none of those little things is attached to me being a terrible failure or a bad father? Notice how this little sequence of actions show me things that I can work on doing differently next time? Can you see the objectivity and the lack of judgment in the list?
When we resist the urge to berate ourselves and get carried away by the emotions associated with failure, we can find more productive ways to get the support we need, and to see the lessons that failure can teach us. They are important. When we see them, even failure is a win in many ways.
I did not coin this phrase, but I use it all the time. We do not fail. We either win, or learn. Cliche as it may be, there is truth there if we make the effort to find it.
A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves. - Lao Tzu
Every Friday I’ll share one of my favorite quotes. They’ll often have direct application in recovery, but sometimes they’re just generally funny, inspiring, or thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy them.
80. Failure Is Just A Series Of Actions