“But this is working for me!”
When we find things that calm us, soothe us, or help us go around or otherwise escape from fear, we often declare that these things “work for us”.
Here’s a common exchange I might have with someone new to this process:
New person: “Everyone is different and I know what works for me!”
Me: “Great! What are you doing that works?”
New person: “Diet. Exercise. Essential oils. Eliminating stress. Avoiding triggers.”
In this exchange the new person is usually arguing against the approach I am describing and trying to convince me that what they are doing is working for them.
Oddly these exchanges always take place in my anxiety recovery Facebook group or in the comments section of an anxiety related video or Instagram post. The conversation takes place in a space occupied by people that are struggling with anxiety and looking for answers. See the issue here? This is like listening to someone tell you that they’re winning the Tour de France as they bolt training wheels onto their bike.
The point is that you may have an arsenal of rituals and techniques that “work” for you. But you’re reading this so my guess would be that those things either don’t work enough, or don’t work all the time. I’d wager that you’re hoping to “fill in the gaps” in the wall you’re trying to build between you and anxiety.
I have a bit of bad news for you.
Your wall will never be complete. You will never fill in all the gaps. As soon as you fill one in, another will appear.
Unfortunately, ff you’re looking for a durable solution that actually does work without winding up in an endless game of whack-a-mole with your anxiety, you’re going to have to tear down that wall and start a new project.
It is very difficult to reach full recovery when your strategy is based on coping, soothing, escape, avoidance, and anxiety suppression techniques. You can’t hold on to those, then try to sprinkle acceptance and surrender on top as needed to try to cover all the bases. The two approaches are incompatible for the most part. If you insist on strapping 17 floatation devices onto your body before you get in the water, actually learning to swim is going to be a nearly impossible task.
I understand that sometimes I frustrate members of the community. When I steer conversations away from cherished soothing techniques, I am often asked why I bother trying to help with anxiety if I won’t let people talk about the things that they are certain are “working” for anxiety.
Tomorrow we’ll address this common point of confusion and frustration.
Note: This discussion was 100% inspired by some very smart things that were said by my friend Connie. Connie is one of the admins in my Facebook group and she knows a thing or two about a thing or two. She gets full credit for speaking this post - and tomorrow’s post - into existence.
Hey it’s Monday and that means that today at 2 PM Eastern I’ll do my “Recovery Monday” livestream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Come join in!
86. When What Works For You .... Doesn't