When we brace against our anxiety and fear - when we run from it or try to escape, avoid, and stop it - what are we really doing? Are we guarding ourselves against fear, or are we already afraid and just desperately trying to hang on?
Our escape and avoidance strategy is likely based on the idea that we can guard against anxiety and fear. If we guard against them, we can keep them from catching us. If we remain vigilant and on alert, we can at least run away from them if they do manage to slip past our defenses, right? We relate to anxiety and fear the way we do probably because we are hoping that we can keep them at arm’s length.
But are we really accomplishing that? I would suggest that we are not. We are hoping to keep the invaders outside the city walls, but we are failing at this task.
We guard. We brace. We scan. We evaluate. Yet, we ARE afraid even as we do these things.
We ARE anxious. We ARE experiencing all the scary sensations and thoughts that come with it. They are here. The walls are breached. Our guarding strategy is misguided and ineffective. We are not effectively protecting ourselves against a damn thing. We remain vulnerable to the full force and effect of our anxiety and our fear at all times. They are not at arm’s length. They are here and they will be heard from.
Guarding and protecting never really works because anxiety and fear arrive anyway. It’s a whole lot of effort with very little consistent payoff.
Where does this leave us? It leaves us with the fact that anxiety and fear are here anyway, so we must hang on to avoid falling into the abyss that they bring with them.
We hang on because we are afraid that if we really let go, the worst will happen. Death. Incapacitation. Insanity. Complete loss of control. These are terrifying outcomes for us, so we tighten our grip, we hang on, and we hope that the storm will pass.
We think we are protecting, but we are really just hanging on.
Why does this matter? I think it matters because when we acknowledge that all our guarding and managing is fruitless, we can start to move in a new direction toward solutions that will bear fruit. Hanging on is not battling, fighting, or guarding. It’s just ... hanging on. This might sound a bit depressing at face value. But really, giving up the illusion of the fight can lead us to actually give up the fight and this is critical in a war that we only win when we put down our swords.
There is tremendous power in abandoning the fight. There is great potential to be realized when we accept that we are only hanging on, and that true recovery is found in letting go.
Let’s keep going with this tomorrow, when we look at the power of letting go and how to practice it.
I just started reading “The Antidote” by Oliver Burkeman. It’s an excellent review of what we’ve started to call “toxic positivity”, and why trying so damn hard to be positive rarely actually leads to lasting results.
Every Tuesday I’ll let you know what I’m currently reading. I read quite a bit on psychology and philosophy, but really you never know what I’ll have in my Kindle or Audible libraries! If you’re on Goodreads and into books, you can follow/friend me over there. Here’s a link to my “currently reading” shelf. I’d love to see what you’re reading and what you recommend.
27. Guarding, Or Hanging On?